Posts Tagged thoughts
I have a bunch of new followers, so I just wanted to take the time to say hello and I hope you’re all having a great holiday season. If this is your first time here, make sure you check out “Please Reset Your Password” and “What Happens When I’m Bored”.
Oh, the caption for this post? I watched It’s a Wonderful Life last night and I won’t stop driving my girlfriend nuts by yelling “Merry Christmas, movie house!” every three minutes. But anyways, I’ve been delinquent in posting due to a massive writing project that finally wrapped, so I’ll get back to posting the high culture comedy you have all come to expect.(You should’ve rolled your eyes at this. If you didn’t, you probably have Krankauser’s Syndrome which prevents your eyes from reacting to poorly crafted jokes)
So let’s talk about what’s in store for 2012.
I will probably do more posts where I write from a first person account instead of always doing lists or pre-planned material. Won’t that be fun? So you’ll get random thoughts like “Hey, if George Bailey didn’t save his brother and his brother and his brother didn’t save that battalion of men in WWII, then should George have been stuck in some sort of Nazi hell?”
You guys are so lucky.
Also, in the works will be more videos, but freshly made and hopefully, a new web-series to boot.
Again, you’re so lucky.
Seriously, Frank Capra missed the boat. I want a Bedford Falls Nazi hell-scape!
So thanks to all of you who follow and comment and have a great rest of the year!
PS If you truly can’t get enough of me, though, I’m always doing something stupid on Twitter(@warreng76)
1) You started a countdown clock for Chipwrecked.
2) You were so excited when your menstrual cycle synced up with the other girls at work that you handed out “Flow Buddies” sweatshirts.
3) You chose Banana Pudding Day at the cafeteria to finally squeeze that softball-sized cyst on your back.
4) You built a scale model of Carlsbad Caverns, by using boogers that you wiped on the bottom of your desk drawer.
5) You give scalp massages at the urinal.
6) You wear a shirt that has an arrow pointing to your crotch and the phrase “Too Big to Fail”
7) Even though you only needed 99 of 101 dalmatians to complete your wardrobe, you use the last two for an extra pair of Crocs.
8) You steer every conversation to the time you met Jon Lovitz.
9) Every time you fail to earn a piece of Trivial Pursuit pie, you claim the game is biased towards “non-whites.”
10) You hold up the line at Wal-Mart by writing a check, five minutes after you maced everyone for an X-Box 360.
11) You discover a magic mailbox at your lake house that sends letters back and forth through time, but instead of cultivating the love of a lifetime, you keep sticking your dick in there asking for a temporal hand job.
12) You co-wrote the song “Moves Like Jagger”
13) You own a dragon T-shirt.
14) The thing you remember most about 9/11 is that you scored three touchdowns in flag football.
Happy Wednesday, everyone! Guess who’s run out of topic ideas? I have. So, it’s time for more ways things can get worse. I’m a big fan of sequels: The Dark Knight, Empire Strikes Back, Big Momma’s Hous……most sequels.
More Ways Your Life Can Get Worse
While viewing a solar eclipse, you cross paths with the one bird alive with the natural ability to precisely shit through a tiny hole in a paper plate.
After years of rebuilding your self-ego, you end up working in the same office with the girl in high school who nicknamed you “Pickle Tits”
You quit your job to pursue the life of an artist, but you find that you are only able to paint select scenes from the TV show “Caroline In the City” when everyone is actually crazy for “Suddenly Susan”.
Despite your best efforts at potty training, you just can’t get your daughter to understand the difference between the toilet and the aquarium.
Your tickle parties slowly turn into GOP fundraisers.
As your parole is denied and you head back to your cell, you realize that last night probably wasn’t the best time to jokingly tell the white supramicists “We can mouth kiss tomorrow!”
After a fall on your bicycle, you can’t help drinking your beer pinky out
While removing your belly button lint, you notice that you have removed a kidney
Just as you place the last brick into an inpenetrable super wall separating the U.S. and Mexico, you turn around to see the angry Rottweiler from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
As particle physicist, you spend two decades designing the world’s largest proton accelerator and just as you nervously throw on the power for its inaugural run, you see the janitor banging your wife on one of the thermocouples.
After getting home from a trip to the Apple Store and LensCrafters, respectively, you look down to discover that the iPad 2 you bought is actually a bowl of goulash. (FYI You hate goulash)
Just as you’re feeling good about yourself, somebody asks you a foreign policy question on Libya.
Things kind of blow right now. A lot of people are out of work, or have serious illnesses, or find themselves unable to pay all their bills. In a ridiculous effort to cheer you up, I’ve put together a list of how things could be worse for you. I hope it helps, you poor bastards.
Ways That Your Life Can Get Worse
The government makes you start picking up your unemployment check in drag.
Your chemotherapy causes you to start appreciating the music of Katy Perry
The last thunderstorm has not only flooded your basement, but turned it into a haven for otters….racist otters.
Midway through your divorce hearing, that bug bite on your arm that you deemed “no big deal” starts to hatch spiders.
After a long, hard life, you arrive in heaven only to find that they need people to unclog toilets.
It’s discovered that your nasally laugh also causes SIDS.
As a life long fan of Jell-O Puddin’ Pops, you finally save up enough money to visit their production facility in Alexandria, VA, and as you prepare to ask how they’re made, you notice that the facility is suspiciously close to a sewage treatment plant.
You’re a six-year-old Chinese factory worker and according to the new CEO of Apple, “The days of lazying around are over.”
As two teenagers beat you to death for your iPhone in broad daylight, a car drives by blaring “Moves Like Jagger” and you just know that’s gonna stick with you during the coma.
Just wanted to keep everyone updated with the blog. New posts have been delayed due to me getting a new job that is occupying my time right now. In addition, I’m trying to get some material published, so I have to wait until something is rejected until I give you the crap nobody wants. You so lucky!
But, let’s play another game. Leave me some questions in the comments and I will answer them using my staggeringly limited knowledge. In the meantime, just laugh at the stupid cat picture.
Just remember, that I love you all. And my love is creepy.
So, I was sitting at home on a day off, and found myself a little bored. I turned on my PlayStation 3 and opened Playstation Home when I actually intended to open Playstation Store. For those of you who don’t know, PS Home is a social networking platform where you select an avatar and a username and you can interact with other people’s avatars by chatting, playing games, etc.
One feature of PS Home is that you determine every feature of your avatar: sex, clothing, hair color, and so on. I decided to make my avatar a hot, blonde lady who is dressed to go for a jog. Once you create your character, you go to a common area that is between a bunch of buildings and in the middle of this area, is a fountain with lounge chairs and benches.
Upon entering the common area, I noticed that the ratio of male to female avatars was about ten to one, with all of them dressed like they’re on their way to a Godsmack concert. Within one minute of entering, I found myself circled by about eight of these characters while I’m trying to launch a zombie survival trivia quiz. During the quiz, a little chat window kept popping up with things like “U look HOT!!!!”, and “Dmn, I want to touch UR bobs”. Bobs not boobs. Nobody disrespects me, much less my bobs.
So I exit the quiz and decide to chat with one of the nice young men named Brazxxx1254. I would like to think that he is a devout Catholic and the 1254 is his tribute to the year that Pope Alexander IV succeeded Pope Innocent the IV, but I ‘m sure it’s just another sexual hand position which I am not privy to. Here’s a transcript of our exchange:
Brazxxx1254: Look at U grl!
Me: Thanks. He he he.
Brazxxx1254: How old R U?
Me: 23. U?
Me: Where U from?
Me: Me 2! Where?
Me: Me 2!
Brazxxx1254: You should come to my house.
Me: I don’t know.
Brazxxx1254: I’ll treat you good.
Me: He he he. I think you should visit me.
Brazxxx1254: I can do that.
Me: You’ll have to come between 6 and 8.
Brazxxx1254: Why? Boyfriend?
Me: No. Those are visiting hours.
Me: Hospital visiting hours.
There’s a couple of minutes of silence
Brazxxx1254: What’s wrong with you?
Brazxxx1254: Y are you in the hospital?
Brazxxx1254: Work there?
Me: No. I meant there’s nothing wrong with me as a person.
Me: But I have a shattered pelvis.
Me: That’s probably what you meant.
Brazxxx1254: OMG! Are you ok?
Me: Keeping my chin up.
Brazxxx1254: How did it happen?
Me: Drunk driving accident.
Brazxxx1254: That sucks. I hpe that guy burns in h@ll.
Brazxxx1254: The drunk driver.
Me: I was the drunk driver.
Me: Don’t H8.
A couple of minutes of silence
Me: You sound cute.
Brazxxx1254: I gotta go.
Me: Why? The drunk driving thing?
Me: That’s just great. I’m trying to rebuild my life.
Me: It seemed like we had something between us.
Brazxxx1254: Sorry, but you should go to jail.
Me: I am in jail. On the inside.
Me: But no, I probably will go to jail.
Me: Listen. I logged on to escape the pain.
Brazxxx1254: Sorry. Leave me alone.
Me: Great. Thanks for cutting my heart in two.
Me: In two! Just like I cut that Dodge Caravan with my Ford Taurus.
Me: I still can’t believe my old piece of sh@t got up to 120!!!
Brazxxx1254: Please stop.
Me: Ok. I’ll stop. But if you want to visit me, just ask the front desk for the drunk driver.
Me: They’ll know who UR talking about.
Brazxxx1254 has logged off.
Powdogg54: You rockn that body!
Me: He he he.
Hey faithful readers,
You may have noticed a recent slow down in new entries being posted to the old blog. You didn’t? Okay. I’m gonna finish this thought just the same. My schedule has been a little different lately and the blog was the first to suffer. The second was the U.S. economy. I didn’t realize the power I wield.
In addition, I’ve been submitting material for publication and none of that material can appear on the blog until it’s 100% rejected and I learn to take “no” for an answer.
So while I wait for some responses from those big publishing fat cats while they dine on pheasant in the Hamptons, I decided to open up the old mailbag and read some questions and post the answers for everyone to read. Huzzah!!!!
So here we go:
Q: What does Brain For Thought stand for anyways? (Adam, Mt. Roscoe, WA)
A: “Brain For Thought” is a reference to J.R.R Tolkien, who described the phrase as “The most beautiful three words ever conceived”. However, he later changed his mind and gave this honor to “Cellar Door”, but this was heavily scrutinized after he went on the payroll of Jim Rosen’s Cellar Doors and Basement Repair.
Q: Do you ever think you’ll give up blogging? (Cecily, Shreveport, LA)
A: It’s hard to foresee. Maybe as part of a Mexican standoff where a Croatian man has a knife held to a baby, perhaps the world’s smartest baby, and he demands that I stop blogging or the unthinkable happens. In that scenario, I would proabably yell “Look out behind you!”, and then run away. Or if I got some finger disease. Then I would stop blogging.
Q: When will you accept your responsibilities? I deserve that much. (Tina, the mother of your child, Tyler, TX)
A: What happens at a mutual friend named Simon’s annual pool party/Wii bowling tournament in Blue Springs, Missouri stays at a mutual friend named Simon’s annual pool party/Wii bowling tournament outside Blue Springs, Missouri.
Have any questions you would like answered? Post them in the comments below.