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Reasons People Don’t Like You

 
 

1)    You started a countdown clock for Chipwrecked.

 

2)    You were so excited when your menstrual cycle synced up with the other girls at work that you handed out “Flow Buddies” sweatshirts.

 

3)    You chose Banana Pudding Day at the cafeteria to finally squeeze that softball-sized cyst on your back.

 

4)    You built a scale model of Carlsbad Caverns, by using boogers that you wiped on the bottom of your desk drawer.

 

5)    You give scalp massages at the urinal.

 

6)    You wear a shirt that has an arrow pointing to your crotch and the phrase “Too Big to Fail”

 

7)    Even though you only needed 99 of 101 dalmatians to complete your wardrobe, you use the last two for an extra pair of Crocs.

 

8)    You steer every conversation to the time you met Jon Lovitz.

 

9)    Every time you fail to earn a piece of Trivial Pursuit pie, you claim the game is biased towards “non-whites.”

 

10) You hold up the line at Wal-Mart by writing a check, five minutes after you maced everyone for an X-Box 360.

 

11) You discover a magic mailbox at your lake house that sends letters back and forth through time, but instead of cultivating the love of a lifetime, you keep sticking your dick in there asking for a temporal hand job.

 

12) You co-wrote the song “Moves Like Jagger”

 

13) You own a dragon T-shirt.

 

14) The thing you remember most about 9/11 is that you scored three touchdowns in flag football.

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Things You May Not Know…

  • When you die, your life will flash before your eyes, but only  the moments when you pushed when the door at your local grocery store clearly said “Pull” and that time you accidentally said something racist.
  • Due to the coriolis effect, when in the Southern Hemisphere, the Miller Lite Vortex bottle is still a stupid idea.
  • Listening to the EMT’s will not give you the confidence to complete that homemade hang glider.
  • The ceiling tiles above the locker room at any Curves gym can support the weight of one average-sized, masturbating, adult man. Two is foolish.
  • All of the fat lost by contestants on NBC’s The Biggest Loser, is the sole ingredient of Dannon yogurt.
  • When a group of girls in a bar yells “We’re crazy!”, they’re not crazy. The girl sitting slouched in the corner with bird droppings in her hair, licking the table as she cries, is crazy. Take her home. Fall in love. Get married. Have three children. Build a life together. Just no sudden movements.

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Signs That You Have a Sleazy Head Coach

Over the last couple of years, some major college programs have had some lapses in ethics, resulting in their programs being stripped of their accomplishments and causing frustration in some, but not all, of their fans. Here are some signs that your favorite college program may be on the wrong path:

– Your starting quarterback has a 401k.

– During every game, the referees wink at him and ask “How was that call, Todd?”

-He’s cheating on his mistresses.

– From 2005 to 2009, his resume reads “Sith Lord / Friend of Rick Pitino’s”.

-Before every road game, he has to check that state’s statute of limitation laws.

– After a touchdown, instead of high fives, he gives out traveler’s checks.

-Your football team travels by jetpack.

– He thinks “The Karate Kid” is a cautionary tale about not listening to your sensei.

– You’re pretty sure that the starting middle linebacker is the missing bengal tiger from the zoo after he eats the other team’s mascot, Gallopin’ Pete.

– During a nasty collision, one of the members of the women’s lacrosse team yells out “Ow, my balls and prostate!!!”

– Sitting courtside next to Ashley Judd? Satan.

– He wins an NCAA championship.

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Happy Memorial Day!

Since Memorial Day is a holiday where a lot of people go see the new summer movies, I thought I would give you a quick guide to help you realize you may have picked the wrong film to check out. Everybody enjoy your holiday! – Warren

Signs You Picked a Bad Summer Movie

In a major plot point, you’re surprised to find out that vampires are lactose intolerant.

– It involves the word “Transformers”

-It has a sixteen minute clip of Philip Seymour Hoffman eating a pot roast.

– Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, and George Clooney in “Three Batmen and a Little Lady”

-All the dialogue is belched

-You envy the conversation the loud Cuban guy is having on his cell phone

-American Psycho: The Muppets take Wall St.

-During the gratuitous sex scene, you can’t take your eyes off the lead actress’ toe infection.

-It involves Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds swapping bodies(Thanks for writing this joke for me, Universal)

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Signs that you weren’t meant to be a doctor

 

  • Every six weeks, your attending physician orders you to practice pap smears on frozen turkeys.
  • You find it more interesting to give human hearts to baboons.
  • Your Grey’s Anatomy nickname would be “McNegligence”.
  • You keep promising families that you can bring their deceased children back to life.
  • You cuddle with the coma patients.
  • Three different times you have tried to help an amnesia patient regain their memories by hitting them on the head with a shovel.
  • As payment, you accept gift cards to Olive Garden.
  • Before delivering news of a death to a family, you start by saying “Sex. Now that I have your attention…”
  • You vomit from all the blood in an episode of MASH.
  • You wish WebMD would tone down all the technical talk.
  • Every time you make an incision, you pinch your nipple and cry
  • You refuse to stop drawing the Little Dipper by connecting the dots on patients’ genital warts.
  • You fill out twenty toe tags at the first of each month just to save time.
  • You’ve been known to exclaim “There’s a LEFT ventricle now?”

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