Posts Tagged entertainment

Greatest Hits, Part Two

Hello everybody. Next up in Brain For Thought’s countdown is one of my favorite, yet least popular, posts. So F you and read it.

I’m sorry. I’m just cranky from working the week after Christmas instead of sitting in my sweat pants and having a one person Reese’s Pieces eating competition. The piece today is “You Should Be Patient”, which I wrote early on in the blog. Just reading it takes me back to those ambitious days of trying to crank out a post a day, and not exactly understanding what constitutes a gerund. Ah, memories.

So grab a friend and enjoy, “You Should Be Patient”

You Should Be Patient

By Warren Arnold

 

Being patient is hard, but good things happen when you are. Some would call having patience a virtue, but I don’t quite understand why, so I’m patiently awaiting a better explanation.

I do believe it pays off to be patient. Patient people wait in line for the movies, while impatient people cut in with their friends and make you wait longer. But the joke’s on them since it’s a Katherine Heigl movie.

You can take a turkey out of the oven when the little red popper pops, or you can leave it for two more hours to get it crispy and dry, the way I like it. And while this resulted in a nasty family-wide fight which some say ruined Thanksgiving, I like to think it saved us money on Christmas.

You could clean up behind your dog in the park, or you can be patient and wait for it to turn hard and white and attach googily eyes, so that you have another tiny citizen in your scale model of Omaha.

If you’re late for work and lose your car keys, just calm down and be patient, and soon, you won’t have a job to go to.

If you hook a fish in a lake, you could reel it in and eat fish, but if you’re patient and leave it on the line, a bigger fish will eat it, and a bigger fish will eat that fish, and so on until you catch one of those precious whales your dad chose to go save instead of watching you grow up.

You could meet a nice girl at 11PM and go back to her place and have sex, or you can be patient and wait until midnight when she turns eighteen and you don’t violate your parole.

If you’re patient and don’t answer collection calls for your credit card debt, then eventually, they stop calling and come to your house. Then you’ll have a chance to try out your bear traps.

You might buy a monkey and get tired of it’s monkey attitude, but if you’re patient, it will grow up to be a gorilla.

However, it is possible to be too patient.

Like letting someone waste your time by patiently listening to their boring stories without rolling your eyes and yelling “Whatever!”.  Even if their boring stories are called baptisms.

You can wait on a bench in the mall while your girlfriend shops, but if you wait too long, then you realize that you don’t have a girlfriend…at least not the one you want.

You can wait for tensions in the middle east to calm down and gas prices to drop, but if you wait too long, then gas is $14 a gallon, because those prices aren’t going down, dummy.

So being patient does pay off, for if you hadn’t patiently taken the time to read through this, then you would have went outside and been mauled by the tiger that escaped from the zoo and is roaming the streets of your town. It should be in the news tomorrow.

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7 Comments

Greatest Hits

Hey gang,

I thought I would take this time between Christmas and New Year’s to look back at where the blog has been over the course of 2011 and share a couple of the more popular posts. I started brainforthought.com in March and so many people said things like, “Who the hell do you think you are?” and “That old blog won’t amount to nothing! Now you get back to mining that coal, young lady!” But the blog has been very fun and I’ve picked up some blog pals along the way.

In addition, I was very proud to have a piece was picked up by Splitsider. So kick back in your robes and slippers and enjoy Please Reset Your Password.

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 (Originally Appeared on http://www.splitsider.com, September, 2011)

Your Password Has Expired. Please Reset Your Password In Accordance With Company Policy.

User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Password Must Contain One Of The Following: One(1) Capitol Letter,  One Number(1-9),  One Symbol (@, #, %, ETC.)

Please Try Again

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Password Must Not Match Last Ten (10) Passwords

Please Try Again

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR>  New Company Policy: Password Must Not Match Last Twenty (20) Passwords

Please Try Again

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Birthdays Are Not Allowed. Identity Theft Concern.

Please Try Again

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Neither Are Anniversaries.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Neither Is The Date Of Losing Your Virginity.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Kids’ Names.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Spouse’s Names.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Kids’ Names Backwards.

I’m A Computer. I Can Figure It Out.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Pet Names.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Not Even Fish. Especially Betas.

It’s A Worthless Animal.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Fourth Grade Teacher Names.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No College Girlfriend’s Names.

Are You Still Hung Up On Veronica ?

She Died In A Car Wreck, You Know ?

You Didn’t ?

Sorry.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Nothing Inspirational.

This Is Work.

You Should Feel Awful All Day.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR>   No Tributes To Veronica.

It’s Morbid And Weird.

Despite Its Ups And Downs, You Have A Good Marriage. Celebrate That.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR>  Wow.  That Was A Harsh One.

I Didn’t Realize Things Had Gotten That Bad With Your Marriage.

But Even If That’s True About Your Wife, That Password Didn’t Contain A Number.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Profanity.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Again, No Profanity.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Can Be Interpreted As Profane.

From Webster’s Dictionary: (Noun) The Wrinkles Of A Scrotum,  Or (Noun) A Large Antelope

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Palindromes.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No French Kings.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Asian Land Wars.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Ben Affleck Movies.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Again, No Ben Affleck Movies.

You Actually Saw Paycheck ?

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> That’s a Ben Affleck Movie!

It Is Too!

He’s One Of The Basketball Players When Kristy Swanson Kills The Vampire At The Game.

It’s An Uncredited Role, But That’s Him.

It Is Not Unfair.

I Don’t Care What You Think.   Dem’s Da Rules.

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User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> That Was Just Straight Up Racist.

What ?

Wait,   I Thought You Were Venezuelan.

Really ?

Hmmmm…..

Then I Guess You Can Use That Word. My Apologies.

Password Accepted.

You Can Now Access The Payless Shoe Store Computer System.

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6 Comments

Merry Christmas, Movie House!

Hey everyone!

I have a bunch of new followers, so I just wanted to take the time to say hello and I hope you’re all having a great holiday season. If this is your first time here, make sure you check out “Please Reset Your Password” and “What Happens When I’m Bored”.

Oh, the caption for this post? I watched It’s a Wonderful Life last night and I won’t stop driving my girlfriend nuts by yelling “Merry Christmas, movie house!” every three minutes. But anyways, I’ve been delinquent in posting due to a massive writing project that finally wrapped, so I’ll get back to posting the high culture comedy you have all come to expect.(You should’ve rolled your eyes at this. If you didn’t, you probably have Krankauser’s Syndrome which prevents your eyes from reacting to poorly crafted jokes)

So let’s talk about what’s in store for 2012.

I will probably do more posts where I write from a first person account instead of always doing lists or pre-planned material. Won’t that be fun? So you’ll get random thoughts like “Hey, if George Bailey didn’t save his brother and his brother and his brother didn’t save that battalion of men in WWII, then should George have been stuck in some sort of Nazi hell?”

You guys are so lucky.

Also, in the works will be more videos, but freshly made and hopefully, a new web-series to boot.

Again, you’re so lucky.

Seriously, Frank Capra missed the boat. I want a Bedford Falls Nazi hell-scape!

So thanks to all of you who follow and comment and have a great rest of the year!

Warren

PS If you truly can’t get enough of me, though, I’m always doing something stupid on Twitter(@warreng76)

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2 Comments

Two Sisters, A Thriller

In addition to The Fates, Sam Martin and I also made another St. Louis 48 Hour Film. This time, we received the genre of Thriller. The rules also state that the following things must appear in the film:

Character: Either Ashley or Ashton Brown, and they must be an expert at something

Prop: There must be a photo of Mom or Dad

Line of Dialogue: Someone must say “Have you ever seen anything like it?”

A bit of behind the scenes info, this was shot during the day, but we made it seem like night by putting up black trashbags around the house. So we had a lot of black plastic soaking up sunlight, in St. Louis, in June, with movie lights everywhere. A very sweaty day.

So here you go, a little Thriller movie called Two Sisters:

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11 Comments

A Flashback, Video Style

A couple of years ago, me and my friend Sam Martin made a movie for the 48 Hour Film Project. Unfortunately, we turned it in late, so we weren’t able to win an award, but we had a lot of fun making it. It’s pretty silly. I hope you enjoy it.

 

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7 Comments

Ways That Your Life Can Get Worse

Things kind of blow right now. A lot of people are out of work, or have serious illnesses, or find themselves unable to pay all their bills. In a ridiculous effort to cheer you up, I’ve put together a list of how things could be worse for you. I hope it helps, you poor bastards.

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Ways That Your Life Can Get Worse


The government makes you start picking up your unemployment check in drag.

Your chemotherapy causes you to start appreciating the music of Katy Perry

The last thunderstorm has not only flooded your basement, but turned it into a haven for otters….racist otters.

Midway through your divorce hearing, that bug bite on your arm that you deemed “no big deal” starts to hatch spiders.

After a long, hard life, you arrive in heaven only to find that they need people to unclog toilets.

It’s discovered that your nasally laugh also causes SIDS.

As a life long fan of Jell-O Puddin’ Pops, you finally save up enough money to visit their production facility in Alexandria, VA, and as you prepare to ask how they’re made, you notice that the facility is suspiciously close to a sewage treatment plant.

You’re a six-year-old Chinese factory worker and according to the new CEO of Apple, “The days of lazying around are over.”

As two teenagers beat you to death for your iPhone in broad daylight, a car drives by blaring “Moves Like Jagger” and you just know that’s gonna stick with you during the coma.

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8 Comments

Baseball Traditions That Never Caught On

For those of you who don’t know me very well, I’m a big baseball nerd. So as I’m sitting here watching Game 4 of the World Series, I got to thinking about how baseball is a game with a lot of quirkiness and unwritten rules. The game has changed over the decades and some of the rituals have remained the same, like singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame, but some came into existence and quickly faded away. Here is a list of some of those traditions that are no longer part of the game, but a few baseball purists wouldn’t mind seeing come back.

Baseball Traditions That Never Caught On

Rally cold sores

After turning a double play, the shortstop and second baseman open mouth kiss for three minutes.

Sixth inning blindfolds.

Half-price tickets for recent divorces.

Not stepping on the foul lines out of superstition and respect since the chalk was actually the ash of victims from the past year’s house fires.

During a homerun, everyone on the field would rub their eyes in cartoonish disbelief on how far it was hit.

As a player, promising to hit a homerun for a dying child, encouraging that child to gamble all their hospital money on you hitting a homerun, and then giggling as you ground out to third.

The designated pitcher(This player would neither pitch nor hit)

Seventh Inning Stretch and Bikram Yoga

Celebrating in garish fashion, every hit, walk, and stolen base, no matter how insignificant in a vain attempt to draw attention to yourself(Presently known as the Nyjer Morgan)

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12 Comments