Posts Tagged comedy

Mondays, Am I Right?

Monday Puppy!
From: Terence O’Reilly
To: Mondays, Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 08:16 AM

 

Here’s your Monday puppy! Enjoy!

 

Puppy 1


 

RE: Monday Puppy!

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 08:17 AM

 

Hey Terence,

Would you mind taking me off the puppy email list?

Thanks,

John


 

Monday Puppy, Part Doggy Deux!

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: Mondays, Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 09:23 AM

 

Hey gang, how about a second Monday puppy because today’s so RUFF?

Puppy 2


 

RE: Monday Puppy, Part Doggy Deux!

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 09:23 AM

 

Terence,

I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but I don’t want to receive any more puppy emails.

John


 

This Day is Waggin’ By

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: Mondays, Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 11:49 AM

 

Bow wow, today is moving slow! So guess what? You get three Monday puppies for the price of one!

Puppy 3


 

RE: This Day is Waggin’ By

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 11:49 AM

 

Terence,

I can see that you opened my previous email. Please stop sending me puppies. I find it highly annoying.


 

Under Where?

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: John Seiler

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 11:51 AM

 

Looks like this boxer is wearing briefs!

Puppy 4


RE: Under Where?

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 11:51 AM

 

Are you kidding me? You sent this to me only.


 

Help

From: John Seiler

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 11:54 AM

 

Hey everyone,

Can you take me off this group? Terence refuses to acknowledge my emails and I can’t find a phone number for him.


RE: Help

From: John Seiler

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 01:29 PM

 

Anybody?


Throw Him A Bone!

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 01:31 PM

 

John’s making this puppy sad.

Puppy 5


RE: Throw Him A Bone!

From: John Seiler

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 02:13 PM

 

Seriously? Nobody can take me off this group or even respond?


RE: Throw Him A Bone!

From: Cathy Armand

To: John Seiler

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 02:16 PM

 

John, it’s just puppy photos. Please, I beg you, just go with it. It’s just part of life at TD Ameritrade.

 

Cathy Armand


Harassing Emails

From: John Seiler

To: Human Resources

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 03:34 PM

 

Hello,

This is John Seiler in Small Business Finances. I have been receiving cute puppy emails from Terence O’Reilly, which I do not care to receive anymore. When I addressed this wih him, he keeps sending me more puppy emails. Can you speak to him?

Thank you,

John Seiler


RE: Harassing Emails

From: Phil Peppers

To: John Seiler

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 04:10 PM

 

Hi John,

Are you sure you have the right name? I don’t have a record of a Terence O’Reilly working here. Can you forward me one of the emails?

Phil Peppers


 

I Gots To Buries My Bones

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: John Seiler

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 04:11 PM

 

Some puppies shouldn’t go digging!

Puppy 6


Phil Peppers

From: Corporate Offices

To: TD AMERITRADE ALL

Sent: Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014 07:29 AM

 

Please join us in mourning the loss of Human Resources Manager, Phil Peppers. If you have any information that you believe is relevant to the case, police are asking that you contact them immediately.

Heather Constance,

VP, North American Offices


RE: Phil Peppers

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014 08:29 AM

 

What did you do?


Let’s All Paws For Phil

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Tuesday, April 22nd 2014 09:14 AM

 

Phil’s with the angels now.

Puppy 7


Please Help

From: John Seiler

To: Human Resources

Sent: Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014 10:01 AM

 

Hello,

This is John Seiler. I was speaking to Phil Peppers before he passed about some emails from Terence O’Reilly. Do you have any information on him at all? I can’t even find his desk here.

Thanks,

John Seiler


RE: Please Help

From: Millie Sanders

To: John Seiler

Sent: Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014 10:59 AM

 

John,

I couldn’t find anything at first, but I found some old files. Terence O’Reilly  died in 1999. He was killed by a pack of wild dogs.

Millie Sanders


Window Repairs

From: Heather Constance

To: TD AMERITRADE ALL

Sent: Wednesday April 23rd, 2014 03:29 PM

We’re reminding everyone in the Nashville office that window repair will be going on today in Millie Sanders’ former office, after she mysteriously fell to her death. Again, the police are looking for any assistance.

I wonder if this guy will crack the case?

 

Puppy 8


Bad Puppy

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: John Seiler

Sent: Wednesday April 23rd, 2014 03:42 PM

 

Do you see now?


RE: Bad Puppy

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Wednesday April 23rd, 2014 03:43 PM

 

Yes. Yes, I see.


Monday Got You Licked?

From: John Seiler

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 28th, 2014 08:16 AM

 

Uh-oh, this golfing doggy’s in the RUFF! Happy Monday!

Puppy 10


 

 

 

 

 

 

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Greatest Hits, Part Two

Hello everybody. Next up in Brain For Thought’s countdown is one of my favorite, yet least popular, posts. So F you and read it.

I’m sorry. I’m just cranky from working the week after Christmas instead of sitting in my sweat pants and having a one person Reese’s Pieces eating competition. The piece today is “You Should Be Patient”, which I wrote early on in the blog. Just reading it takes me back to those ambitious days of trying to crank out a post a day, and not exactly understanding what constitutes a gerund. Ah, memories.

So grab a friend and enjoy, “You Should Be Patient”

You Should Be Patient

By Warren Arnold

 

Being patient is hard, but good things happen when you are. Some would call having patience a virtue, but I don’t quite understand why, so I’m patiently awaiting a better explanation.

I do believe it pays off to be patient. Patient people wait in line for the movies, while impatient people cut in with their friends and make you wait longer. But the joke’s on them since it’s a Katherine Heigl movie.

You can take a turkey out of the oven when the little red popper pops, or you can leave it for two more hours to get it crispy and dry, the way I like it. And while this resulted in a nasty family-wide fight which some say ruined Thanksgiving, I like to think it saved us money on Christmas.

You could clean up behind your dog in the park, or you can be patient and wait for it to turn hard and white and attach googily eyes, so that you have another tiny citizen in your scale model of Omaha.

If you’re late for work and lose your car keys, just calm down and be patient, and soon, you won’t have a job to go to.

If you hook a fish in a lake, you could reel it in and eat fish, but if you’re patient and leave it on the line, a bigger fish will eat it, and a bigger fish will eat that fish, and so on until you catch one of those precious whales your dad chose to go save instead of watching you grow up.

You could meet a nice girl at 11PM and go back to her place and have sex, or you can be patient and wait until midnight when she turns eighteen and you don’t violate your parole.

If you’re patient and don’t answer collection calls for your credit card debt, then eventually, they stop calling and come to your house. Then you’ll have a chance to try out your bear traps.

You might buy a monkey and get tired of it’s monkey attitude, but if you’re patient, it will grow up to be a gorilla.

However, it is possible to be too patient.

Like letting someone waste your time by patiently listening to their boring stories without rolling your eyes and yelling “Whatever!”.  Even if their boring stories are called baptisms.

You can wait on a bench in the mall while your girlfriend shops, but if you wait too long, then you realize that you don’t have a girlfriend…at least not the one you want.

You can wait for tensions in the middle east to calm down and gas prices to drop, but if you wait too long, then gas is $14 a gallon, because those prices aren’t going down, dummy.

So being patient does pay off, for if you hadn’t patiently taken the time to read through this, then you would have went outside and been mauled by the tiger that escaped from the zoo and is roaming the streets of your town. It should be in the news tomorrow.

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Merry Christmas, Movie House!

Hey everyone!

I have a bunch of new followers, so I just wanted to take the time to say hello and I hope you’re all having a great holiday season. If this is your first time here, make sure you check out “Please Reset Your Password” and “What Happens When I’m Bored”.

Oh, the caption for this post? I watched It’s a Wonderful Life last night and I won’t stop driving my girlfriend nuts by yelling “Merry Christmas, movie house!” every three minutes. But anyways, I’ve been delinquent in posting due to a massive writing project that finally wrapped, so I’ll get back to posting the high culture comedy you have all come to expect.(You should’ve rolled your eyes at this. If you didn’t, you probably have Krankauser’s Syndrome which prevents your eyes from reacting to poorly crafted jokes)

So let’s talk about what’s in store for 2012.

I will probably do more posts where I write from a first person account instead of always doing lists or pre-planned material. Won’t that be fun? So you’ll get random thoughts like “Hey, if George Bailey didn’t save his brother and his brother and his brother didn’t save that battalion of men in WWII, then should George have been stuck in some sort of Nazi hell?”

You guys are so lucky.

Also, in the works will be more videos, but freshly made and hopefully, a new web-series to boot.

Again, you’re so lucky.

Seriously, Frank Capra missed the boat. I want a Bedford Falls Nazi hell-scape!

So thanks to all of you who follow and comment and have a great rest of the year!

Warren

PS If you truly can’t get enough of me, though, I’m always doing something stupid on Twitter(@warreng76)

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Reasons People Don’t Like You

 
 

1)    You started a countdown clock for Chipwrecked.

 

2)    You were so excited when your menstrual cycle synced up with the other girls at work that you handed out “Flow Buddies” sweatshirts.

 

3)    You chose Banana Pudding Day at the cafeteria to finally squeeze that softball-sized cyst on your back.

 

4)    You built a scale model of Carlsbad Caverns, by using boogers that you wiped on the bottom of your desk drawer.

 

5)    You give scalp massages at the urinal.

 

6)    You wear a shirt that has an arrow pointing to your crotch and the phrase “Too Big to Fail”

 

7)    Even though you only needed 99 of 101 dalmatians to complete your wardrobe, you use the last two for an extra pair of Crocs.

 

8)    You steer every conversation to the time you met Jon Lovitz.

 

9)    Every time you fail to earn a piece of Trivial Pursuit pie, you claim the game is biased towards “non-whites.”

 

10) You hold up the line at Wal-Mart by writing a check, five minutes after you maced everyone for an X-Box 360.

 

11) You discover a magic mailbox at your lake house that sends letters back and forth through time, but instead of cultivating the love of a lifetime, you keep sticking your dick in there asking for a temporal hand job.

 

12) You co-wrote the song “Moves Like Jagger”

 

13) You own a dragon T-shirt.

 

14) The thing you remember most about 9/11 is that you scored three touchdowns in flag football.

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Remarks That Herman Cain’s Speechwriters Had to Remove From His Withdrawal Speech

As we all learned on Saturday, Herman Cain dropped out of the Presidential race. Here are a few lines that his speechwriters decided should probably be left out:

  • I lied for thirteen years and THAT doesn’t qualify me for political office?
  • Have you seen her? Guys am I right? High five!
  • Now the U.S. will never learn my secrets for making the fourteenth best pizza in America.
  • Maybe I’ll just run for president of Bekibekistan.
  • Herman Cain doesn’t like “pulling out”.

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Live Tweeting Thanksgiving

  • Just arrived at Aunt Carol’s house. Ready for some T-Givs! #foodcoma
  • Bringing new GF Sarah to meet the fam. #pressure
  • Aunt Carol’s dog, Roscoe, jumped on Sarah. Muddy paws. Sarah upset.
  • She’s fighting back tears. Hang in there trooper! #hero
  • It’s the fam! Theyre excited to meet S. She’s still upset about muddy dress.
  • Sarah trying to joke it off. Jokes lame. Blank stares from fam.
  • She’s still going with the jokes. Let it go! #deadhorse
  • Wow. Now doing Roscoe impersonation.
  • Why does Roscoe have a Scottish accent? He’s a beagle. Kids like it.
  • Boom! S nails the end with an Occupy Wall St. joke.
  • Both Dems and Repubs can laugh at that one. #buildingbridges
  • Women take S to kitchen. I’m off to watch some football, y’all!
  • Megatron TD just killed my fantasy team, The Pigskin Poopchutes
  • S is trapped in kitchen. Aunt Winnie won’t stop talking about her psoriasis. Here we go.
  • Cousing Freda sees her psoriasis and raisies her a boil on her inner thigh. #gauntletthrown
  • Great Aunt Gladys brings down house by unveiling her new, high capacity colostomy bag. #gameover
  • Dinner time! First the prayer! So much to be thankful for this year!
  • Uncle Ray taking prayer in weird direction this year.
  • Keeps thanking Lord for the show King of Queens
  • Still praising the work of Kevin James #HaveyouseenPaulBlart
  • Asking God to smite those who gave poor reviews to Zookeeper
  • Prayer over. Just bought King of Queens Blu-Ray for Uncle Ray’s X-mas. #amazon
  • Food’s on! Buffet style! Get in line or get left behind!
  • Everything has a weird color to it. #somethingswrong
  • Oh great! Aunt Carol went vegan. Everything’s made of tofu!
  • Even the turkey is tofu! How’d they do that?
  • Tofu is the turkey meat, turkey bones are made of carrot sticks. Stuffing is bean sprouts.
  • Cousing Richie has an announcement!
  • I have this year as the year he comes out in the family pool! #yourefoolingnobody
  • Not coming out, but says he’s opening a shop that only sells afghans. That has to be worth some money, right?
  • Sarah having a great time. What a great day!
  • Sarah forgot the dessert in the car.
  • Look out for Roscoe!
  • Dress torn. Underwear revealed. Sarah locked herself in car.
  • She’s upset. I can hear the Michael Buble blaring from here.
  • Grabbing to-go plates and saying goodbye to fam!
  • Let’s do this next year!!!!!
  • Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

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More Ways Your Life Can Get Worse

Happy Wednesday, everyone! Guess who’s run out of topic ideas? I have. So, it’s time for more ways things can get worse. I’m a big fan of sequels: The Dark Knight, Empire Strikes Back, Big Momma’s Hous……most sequels.

More Ways Your Life Can Get Worse

While viewing a solar eclipse, you cross paths with the one bird alive with the natural ability to precisely shit through a tiny hole in a paper plate.

After years of rebuilding your self-ego, you end up working in the same office with the girl in high school who nicknamed you “Pickle Tits”

You quit your job to pursue the life of an artist, but you find that you are only able to paint select scenes from the TV show “Caroline In the City” when everyone is actually crazy for “Suddenly Susan”.

Despite your best efforts at potty training, you just can’t get your daughter to understand the difference between the toilet and the aquarium.

Your tickle parties slowly turn into GOP fundraisers.

As your parole is denied and you head back to your cell, you realize that last night probably wasn’t the best time to jokingly tell the white supramicists “We can mouth kiss tomorrow!”

After a fall on your bicycle, you can’t help drinking your beer pinky out

While removing your belly button lint, you notice that you have removed a kidney

Just as you place the last brick into an inpenetrable super wall separating the U.S. and Mexico, you turn around to see the angry Rottweiler from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

As particle physicist, you spend two decades designing the world’s largest proton accelerator and just as you nervously throw on the power for its inaugural run, you see the janitor banging your wife on one of the thermocouples.

After getting home from a trip to the Apple Store and LensCrafters, respectively, you look down to discover that the iPad 2 you bought is actually a bowl of goulash. (FYI You hate goulash)

Just as you’re feeling good about yourself, somebody asks you a foreign policy question on Libya.

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