Remarks That Herman Cain’s Speechwriters Had to Remove From His Withdrawal Speech

As we all learned on Saturday, Herman Cain dropped out of the Presidential race. Here are a few lines that his speechwriters decided should probably be left out:

  • I lied for thirteen years and THAT doesn’t qualify me for political office?
  • Have you seen her? Guys am I right? High five!
  • Now the U.S. will never learn my secrets for making the fourteenth best pizza in America.
  • Maybe I’ll just run for president of Bekibekistan.
  • Herman Cain doesn’t like “pulling out”.
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Two Sisters, A Thriller

In addition to The Fates, Sam Martin and I also made another St. Louis 48 Hour Film. This time, we received the genre of Thriller. The rules also state that the following things must appear in the film:

Character: Either Ashley or Ashton Brown, and they must be an expert at something

Prop: There must be a photo of Mom or Dad

Line of Dialogue: Someone must say “Have you ever seen anything like it?”

A bit of behind the scenes info, this was shot during the day, but we made it seem like night by putting up black trashbags around the house. So we had a lot of black plastic soaking up sunlight, in St. Louis, in June, with movie lights everywhere. A very sweaty day.

So here you go, a little Thriller movie called Two Sisters:

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Live Tweeting Thanksgiving

  • Just arrived at Aunt Carol’s house. Ready for some T-Givs! #foodcoma
  • Bringing new GF Sarah to meet the fam. #pressure
  • Aunt Carol’s dog, Roscoe, jumped on Sarah. Muddy paws. Sarah upset.
  • She’s fighting back tears. Hang in there trooper! #hero
  • It’s the fam! Theyre excited to meet S. She’s still upset about muddy dress.
  • Sarah trying to joke it off. Jokes lame. Blank stares from fam.
  • She’s still going with the jokes. Let it go! #deadhorse
  • Wow. Now doing Roscoe impersonation.
  • Why does Roscoe have a Scottish accent? He’s a beagle. Kids like it.
  • Boom! S nails the end with an Occupy Wall St. joke.
  • Both Dems and Repubs can laugh at that one. #buildingbridges
  • Women take S to kitchen. I’m off to watch some football, y’all!
  • Megatron TD just killed my fantasy team, The Pigskin Poopchutes
  • S is trapped in kitchen. Aunt Winnie won’t stop talking about her psoriasis. Here we go.
  • Cousing Freda sees her psoriasis and raisies her a boil on her inner thigh. #gauntletthrown
  • Great Aunt Gladys brings down house by unveiling her new, high capacity colostomy bag. #gameover
  • Dinner time! First the prayer! So much to be thankful for this year!
  • Uncle Ray taking prayer in weird direction this year.
  • Keeps thanking Lord for the show King of Queens
  • Still praising the work of Kevin James #HaveyouseenPaulBlart
  • Asking God to smite those who gave poor reviews to Zookeeper
  • Prayer over. Just bought King of Queens Blu-Ray for Uncle Ray’s X-mas. #amazon
  • Food’s on! Buffet style! Get in line or get left behind!
  • Everything has a weird color to it. #somethingswrong
  • Oh great! Aunt Carol went vegan. Everything’s made of tofu!
  • Even the turkey is tofu! How’d they do that?
  • Tofu is the turkey meat, turkey bones are made of carrot sticks. Stuffing is bean sprouts.
  • Cousing Richie has an announcement!
  • I have this year as the year he comes out in the family pool! #yourefoolingnobody
  • Not coming out, but says he’s opening a shop that only sells afghans. That has to be worth some money, right?
  • Sarah having a great time. What a great day!
  • Sarah forgot the dessert in the car.
  • Look out for Roscoe!
  • Dress torn. Underwear revealed. Sarah locked herself in car.
  • She’s upset. I can hear the Michael Buble blaring from here.
  • Grabbing to-go plates and saying goodbye to fam!
  • Let’s do this next year!!!!!
  • Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

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More Ways Your Life Can Get Worse

Happy Wednesday, everyone! Guess who’s run out of topic ideas? I have. So, it’s time for more ways things can get worse. I’m a big fan of sequels: The Dark Knight, Empire Strikes Back, Big Momma’s Hous……most sequels.

More Ways Your Life Can Get Worse

While viewing a solar eclipse, you cross paths with the one bird alive with the natural ability to precisely shit through a tiny hole in a paper plate.

After years of rebuilding your self-ego, you end up working in the same office with the girl in high school who nicknamed you “Pickle Tits”

You quit your job to pursue the life of an artist, but you find that you are only able to paint select scenes from the TV show “Caroline In the City” when everyone is actually crazy for “Suddenly Susan”.

Despite your best efforts at potty training, you just can’t get your daughter to understand the difference between the toilet and the aquarium.

Your tickle parties slowly turn into GOP fundraisers.

As your parole is denied and you head back to your cell, you realize that last night probably wasn’t the best time to jokingly tell the white supramicists “We can mouth kiss tomorrow!”

After a fall on your bicycle, you can’t help drinking your beer pinky out

While removing your belly button lint, you notice that you have removed a kidney

Just as you place the last brick into an inpenetrable super wall separating the U.S. and Mexico, you turn around to see the angry Rottweiler from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

As particle physicist, you spend two decades designing the world’s largest proton accelerator and just as you nervously throw on the power for its inaugural run, you see the janitor banging your wife on one of the thermocouples.

After getting home from a trip to the Apple Store and LensCrafters, respectively, you look down to discover that the iPad 2 you bought is actually a bowl of goulash. (FYI You hate goulash)

Just as you’re feeling good about yourself, somebody asks you a foreign policy question on Libya.

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A Flashback, Video Style

A couple of years ago, me and my friend Sam Martin made a movie for the 48 Hour Film Project. Unfortunately, we turned it in late, so we weren’t able to win an award, but we had a lot of fun making it. It’s pretty silly. I hope you enjoy it.

 

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Ways That Your Life Can Get Worse

Things kind of blow right now. A lot of people are out of work, or have serious illnesses, or find themselves unable to pay all their bills. In a ridiculous effort to cheer you up, I’ve put together a list of how things could be worse for you. I hope it helps, you poor bastards.

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Ways That Your Life Can Get Worse


The government makes you start picking up your unemployment check in drag.

Your chemotherapy causes you to start appreciating the music of Katy Perry

The last thunderstorm has not only flooded your basement, but turned it into a haven for otters….racist otters.

Midway through your divorce hearing, that bug bite on your arm that you deemed “no big deal” starts to hatch spiders.

After a long, hard life, you arrive in heaven only to find that they need people to unclog toilets.

It’s discovered that your nasally laugh also causes SIDS.

As a life long fan of Jell-O Puddin’ Pops, you finally save up enough money to visit their production facility in Alexandria, VA, and as you prepare to ask how they’re made, you notice that the facility is suspiciously close to a sewage treatment plant.

You’re a six-year-old Chinese factory worker and according to the new CEO of Apple, “The days of lazying around are over.”

As two teenagers beat you to death for your iPhone in broad daylight, a car drives by blaring “Moves Like Jagger” and you just know that’s gonna stick with you during the coma.

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Baseball Traditions That Never Caught On

For those of you who don’t know me very well, I’m a big baseball nerd. So as I’m sitting here watching Game 4 of the World Series, I got to thinking about how baseball is a game with a lot of quirkiness and unwritten rules. The game has changed over the decades and some of the rituals have remained the same, like singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame, but some came into existence and quickly faded away. Here is a list of some of those traditions that are no longer part of the game, but a few baseball purists wouldn’t mind seeing come back.

Baseball Traditions That Never Caught On

Rally cold sores

After turning a double play, the shortstop and second baseman open mouth kiss for three minutes.

Sixth inning blindfolds.

Half-price tickets for recent divorces.

Not stepping on the foul lines out of superstition and respect since the chalk was actually the ash of victims from the past year’s house fires.

During a homerun, everyone on the field would rub their eyes in cartoonish disbelief on how far it was hit.

As a player, promising to hit a homerun for a dying child, encouraging that child to gamble all their hospital money on you hitting a homerun, and then giggling as you ground out to third.

The designated pitcher(This player would neither pitch nor hit)

Seventh Inning Stretch and Bikram Yoga

Celebrating in garish fashion, every hit, walk, and stolen base, no matter how insignificant in a vain attempt to draw attention to yourself(Presently known as the Nyjer Morgan)

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