Joke Packet

If you’re reading this, hopefully you’re a producer at a late night talk show. If you are, great! If not, great! But, below is my ever-evolving late night packet, primarily monologue jokes. Enjoy!

(WARNING: Some topics may be past their news cycle prime)


  • George Zimmerman said in an interview that he intends to become a lawyer and maybe even a judge one day, because “Fuck you, I’m invincible.”



  • A recent poll reports that one-third of Americans reject the idea of evolution. Coincidentally, evolution has rejected one third of Americans.

Duck Dynasty


  • The Denver Post announced a portion of their paper will focus solely on marijuana. However, they warn if you stay on the pot section too long, your iPad automatically redirects to the Food section.


  • The Human Rights Council announced this week that bio-firm Monsanto is the most LGBT-friendly workplace. Of course, at Monsanto “LGBT” stands for Laser Guided Baboon Tigers.

Laser Baboon

  • A new app called Lick It helps its users perform better oral sex on a woman by instructing them while they lick the screen. Which makes perfect sense, because if there’s one thing I know about vaginas, they’re flat and made of glass.


  • Butter consumption is at a forty year high in this country. Which means Americans are doing a lot more of this: (mimes spreading butter on toast) As well as this: (mimes trying to get pants on that don’t fit).


  • Lululemon founder, Chip Wilson, resigned after remarking that the brand’s clothes aren’t meant for women with larger body types. He hopes women everywhere will take his apology to heart and not let it go straight to their thighs.


  • This season, Major League Baseball is encouraging players running towards home plate to avoid running into the catcher. I recommend this move. (Puts hand up to face like their trying to avoid a crazy person or ex-girlfriend on the street and has a “Yikes” look on their face.)


  • (Continued from above) A lot of major league teams came out in support of these guidelines, except the Mets who said “Wait. What’s home plate?”


  • Beyonce dropped an album to the surprise of her fans this week. Kelly Rowland also delivered a surprise – a birthday cake to one of her tables at Red Robin.






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