To The Class Of 2014

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Hello, Graduating Class of 2014!

Today, you will take your fresh face out into the world and be greeted by people with not so fresh faces. They will marvel at your fresh face. They will hate your fresh face. They may try to steal your fresh face while you sleep. The important thing is, your face is very fresh.

 

You will make great friends and powerful enemies. Like, really powerful. My enemies can lift a bus. But it’s their hatred of me and my less-fresh-by-the-day face that keeps them getting up in the morning. So, you see, I am an important cog in the machine we call “life machine.”

 

You will no longer have the safety of these hallowed walls. You’ll have to rely on other walls, some hallowed, some dry, some constructed out of lead in case Superman goes bad (my design!) But don’t stop looking for hallowed walls. The guy at Home Depot will act like there’s no such thing, but when you follow him home, you’ll see him unloading buckets of hallow and rubbing his hands together like he just got rich.

 

Eat onions.

 

Don’t pay your student loans. There’s nothing to repossess, so their stuck. It’s like…No, it’s not like skipping out on a haircut. I actually had a barber track me down and glue my hair back on. So, maybe pay your student loans so they don’t try to glue dumbness back on you.

 

You’re going to work for stupid people. Like really dumb. You’ll wonder how they even got hired. My first boss was a coat rack. It was always “Put your hat on me!” , “Tighten those screws at my base!”, and “Would you like to have sex, fresh face?” He only got that job because of his brother-in-law, Ottoman.

 

Live in a yurt.

 

In closing, never stop dreaming, especially if this reality exists solely in your dreams. You’ll kill us all!

 

Thank you and good luck Baskin Robbin Scoop Academy graduates!

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