Greatest Hits, Part Two

Hello everybody. Next up in Brain For Thought’s countdown is one of my favorite, yet least popular, posts. So F you and read it.

I’m sorry. I’m just cranky from working the week after Christmas instead of sitting in my sweat pants and having a one person Reese’s Pieces eating competition. The piece today is “You Should Be Patient”, which I wrote early on in the blog. Just reading it takes me back to those ambitious days of trying to crank out a post a day, and not exactly understanding what constitutes a gerund. Ah, memories.

So grab a friend and enjoy, “You Should Be Patient”

You Should Be Patient

By Warren Arnold

 

Being patient is hard, but good things happen when you are. Some would call having patience a virtue, but I don’t quite understand why, so I’m patiently awaiting a better explanation.

I do believe it pays off to be patient. Patient people wait in line for the movies, while impatient people cut in with their friends and make you wait longer. But the joke’s on them since it’s a Katherine Heigl movie.

You can take a turkey out of the oven when the little red popper pops, or you can leave it for two more hours to get it crispy and dry, the way I like it. And while this resulted in a nasty family-wide fight which some say ruined Thanksgiving, I like to think it saved us money on Christmas.

You could clean up behind your dog in the park, or you can be patient and wait for it to turn hard and white and attach googily eyes, so that you have another tiny citizen in your scale model of Omaha.

If you’re late for work and lose your car keys, just calm down and be patient, and soon, you won’t have a job to go to.

If you hook a fish in a lake, you could reel it in and eat fish, but if you’re patient and leave it on the line, a bigger fish will eat it, and a bigger fish will eat that fish, and so on until you catch one of those precious whales your dad chose to go save instead of watching you grow up.

You could meet a nice girl at 11PM and go back to her place and have sex, or you can be patient and wait until midnight when she turns eighteen and you don’t violate your parole.

If you’re patient and don’t answer collection calls for your credit card debt, then eventually, they stop calling and come to your house. Then you’ll have a chance to try out your bear traps.

You might buy a monkey and get tired of it’s monkey attitude, but if you’re patient, it will grow up to be a gorilla.

However, it is possible to be too patient.

Like letting someone waste your time by patiently listening to their boring stories without rolling your eyes and yelling “Whatever!”.  Even if their boring stories are called baptisms.

You can wait on a bench in the mall while your girlfriend shops, but if you wait too long, then you realize that you don’t have a girlfriend…at least not the one you want.

You can wait for tensions in the middle east to calm down and gas prices to drop, but if you wait too long, then gas is $14 a gallon, because those prices aren’t going down, dummy.

So being patient does pay off, for if you hadn’t patiently taken the time to read through this, then you would have went outside and been mauled by the tiger that escaped from the zoo and is roaming the streets of your town. It should be in the news tomorrow.

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  1. #1 by Lafemmeroar on December 29, 2011 - 3:16 pm

    I don’t like being mauled by four-legged creatures so I took the time to read 🙂

  2. #2 by Lafemmeroar on December 29, 2011 - 3:16 pm

    Sharing this on FB 🙂

  3. #3 by Jason on January 4, 2012 - 10:31 am

    Never had the chance to read this one. Funny stuff as always!

  4. #4 by Jane Walker (@janemiami) on January 4, 2012 - 4:00 pm

    I was holding Starbucks coffee gift cards and now they are raising their prices. I knew I should have bought gold instead. Wow, patience is overrated.

  5. #5 by mulledvine on September 11, 2012 - 12:02 pm

    I didn’t realise I was this patient!

  6. #6 by Lafemmeroar on October 26, 2012 - 11:09 pm

    I read this last year and for some reason it’s funnier the second time around! This line “You could meet a nice girl at 11PM and go back to her place and have sex, or you can be patient and wait until midnight when she turns eighteen and you don’t violate your parole.” is especially hilarious. Lots of men behind bars because they couldn’t wait for the midnight hour!

    • #7 by brainforthought on November 17, 2012 - 12:52 pm

      Thank you. Obviously, I haven’t been on here in a while. But the advice of waiting until she’s legal is still good advice!

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