Ways That Your Life Can Get Worse

Things kind of blow right now. A lot of people are out of work, or have serious illnesses, or find themselves unable to pay all their bills. In a ridiculous effort to cheer you up, I’ve put together a list of how things could be worse for you. I hope it helps, you poor bastards.

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Ways That Your Life Can Get Worse


The government makes you start picking up your unemployment check in drag.

Your chemotherapy causes you to start appreciating the music of Katy Perry

The last thunderstorm has not only flooded your basement, but turned it into a haven for otters….racist otters.

Midway through your divorce hearing, that bug bite on your arm that you deemed “no big deal” starts to hatch spiders.

After a long, hard life, you arrive in heaven only to find that they need people to unclog toilets.

It’s discovered that your nasally laugh also causes SIDS.

As a life long fan of Jell-O Puddin’ Pops, you finally save up enough money to visit their production facility in Alexandria, VA, and as you prepare to ask how they’re made, you notice that the facility is suspiciously close to a sewage treatment plant.

You’re a six-year-old Chinese factory worker and according to the new CEO of Apple, “The days of lazying around are over.”

As two teenagers beat you to death for your iPhone in broad daylight, a car drives by blaring “Moves Like Jagger” and you just know that’s gonna stick with you during the coma.

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  1. #1 by Jason on October 31, 2011 - 8:54 pm

    I hate doing this but “Moves Like Jagger” triggers this specific behavior from me. http://yourpaljason.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/maroon-5-excited-to-finally-be-considered-hip/

    Sorry for selling myself on your corner.

  2. #3 by sami116 on November 1, 2011 - 1:44 am

    “Your chemotherapy causes you to start appreciating the music of Katy Perry”

    HAHAHAHAHHAHHAAAA!!

    Great post man! 😀

  3. #4 by Bothered on November 1, 2011 - 3:55 pm

    That was really funny. Wow, you have quite a sick and twisted perspective on life. Awesome!

  4. #5 by alanschuyler on November 1, 2011 - 5:35 pm

    My new favorite phrase..”racist otters”.

    • #6 by brainforthought on November 16, 2011 - 9:59 pm

      I’m thinking about getting that tattooed on my arm.

  5. #7 by mamaschinsky on November 16, 2011 - 9:10 pm

    I. Loved. This. Post.

    LOL’d. For real.

    I think the worst for me would be getting stuck with nothing but “Moves Like Jagger” in my head for …well, ANY length of time.

    • #8 by brainforthought on November 16, 2011 - 10:00 pm

      Thank you so much. Anything by Maroon 5 is pure hell.

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