Archive for October, 2011
Things kind of blow right now. A lot of people are out of work, or have serious illnesses, or find themselves unable to pay all their bills. In a ridiculous effort to cheer you up, I’ve put together a list of how things could be worse for you. I hope it helps, you poor bastards.
Ways That Your Life Can Get Worse
The government makes you start picking up your unemployment check in drag.
Your chemotherapy causes you to start appreciating the music of Katy Perry
The last thunderstorm has not only flooded your basement, but turned it into a haven for otters….racist otters.
Midway through your divorce hearing, that bug bite on your arm that you deemed “no big deal” starts to hatch spiders.
After a long, hard life, you arrive in heaven only to find that they need people to unclog toilets.
It’s discovered that your nasally laugh also causes SIDS.
As a life long fan of Jell-O Puddin’ Pops, you finally save up enough money to visit their production facility in Alexandria, VA, and as you prepare to ask how they’re made, you notice that the facility is suspiciously close to a sewage treatment plant.
You’re a six-year-old Chinese factory worker and according to the new CEO of Apple, “The days of lazying around are over.”
As two teenagers beat you to death for your iPhone in broad daylight, a car drives by blaring “Moves Like Jagger” and you just know that’s gonna stick with you during the coma.
For those of you who don’t know me very well, I’m a big baseball nerd. So as I’m sitting here watching Game 4 of the World Series, I got to thinking about how baseball is a game with a lot of quirkiness and unwritten rules. The game has changed over the decades and some of the rituals have remained the same, like singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame, but some came into existence and quickly faded away. Here is a list of some of those traditions that are no longer part of the game, but a few baseball purists wouldn’t mind seeing come back.
Baseball Traditions That Never Caught On
Rally cold sores
After turning a double play, the shortstop and second baseman open mouth kiss for three minutes.
Sixth inning blindfolds.
Half-price tickets for recent divorces.
Not stepping on the foul lines out of superstition and respect since the chalk was actually the ash of victims from the past year’s house fires.
During a homerun, everyone on the field would rub their eyes in cartoonish disbelief on how far it was hit.
As a player, promising to hit a homerun for a dying child, encouraging that child to gamble all their hospital money on you hitting a homerun, and then giggling as you ground out to third.
The designated pitcher(This player would neither pitch nor hit)
Seventh Inning Stretch and Bikram Yoga
Celebrating in garish fashion, every hit, walk, and stolen base, no matter how insignificant in a vain attempt to draw attention to yourself(Presently known as the Nyjer Morgan)
Just wanted to keep everyone updated with the blog. New posts have been delayed due to me getting a new job that is occupying my time right now. In addition, I’m trying to get some material published, so I have to wait until something is rejected until I give you the crap nobody wants. You so lucky!
But, let’s play another game. Leave me some questions in the comments and I will answer them using my staggeringly limited knowledge. In the meantime, just laugh at the stupid cat picture.
Just remember, that I love you all. And my love is creepy.