Please Reset Your Password

(Originally Appeared on http://www.splitsider.com, September, 2011)

Your Password Has Expired. Please Reset Your Password In Accordance With Company Policy.

User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Password Must Contain One Of The Following: One(1) Capitol Letter,  One Number(1-9),  One Symbol (@, #, %, ETC.)

Please Try Again

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Password Must Not Match Last Ten (10) Passwords

Please Try Again

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR>  New Company Policy: Password Must Not Match Last Twenty (20) Passwords

Please Try Again

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Birthdays Are Not Allowed. Identity Theft Concern.

Please Try Again

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Neither Are Anniversaries.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Neither Is The Date Of Losing Your Virginity.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Kids’ Names.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Spouse’s Names.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Kids’ Names Backwards.

I’m A Computer. I Can Figure It Out.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Pet Names.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Not Even Fish. Especially Betas.

It’s A Worthless Animal.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Fourth Grade Teacher Names.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No College Girlfriend’s Names.

Are You Still Hung Up On Veronica ?

She Died In A Car Wreck, You Know ?

You Didn’t ?

Sorry.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Nothing Inspirational.

This Is Work.

You Should Feel Awful All Day.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR>   No Tributes To Veronica.

It’s Morbid And Weird.

Despite Its Ups And Downs, You Have A Good Marriage. Celebrate That.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR>  Wow.  That Was A Harsh One.

I Didn’t Realize Things Had Gotten That Bad With Your Marriage.

But Even If That’s True About Your Wife, That Password Didn’t Contain A Number.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Profanity.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Again, No Profanity.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Can Be Interpreted As Profane.

From Webster’s Dictionary: (Noun) The Wrinkles Of A Scrotum,  Or (Noun) A Large Antelope

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Palindromes.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No French Kings.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Asian Land Wars.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Ben Affleck Movies.

__________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Again, No Ben Affleck Movies.

You Actually Saw Paycheck ?

__________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> That’s a Ben Affleck Movie!

It Is Too!

He’s One Of The Basketball Players When Kristy Swanson Kills The Vampire At The Game.

It’s An Uncredited Role, But That’s Him.

It Is Not Unfair.

I Don’t Care What You Think.   Dem’s Da Rules.

___________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> That Was Just Straight Up Racist.

What ?

Wait,   I Thought You Were Venezuelan.

Really ?

Hmmmm…..

Then I Guess You Can Use That Word. My Apologies.

Password Accepted.

You Can Now Access The Payless Shoe Store Computer System.

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  1. #1 by becomingcliche on September 12, 2011 - 12:12 pm

    Once again, I find that sharing your post with the world is imperative.

  2. #3 by brainforthought on September 12, 2011 - 12:17 pm

    This piece was picked up by http://www.splitsider.com.

    My first published piece!

  3. #4 by alanschuyler on September 12, 2011 - 3:55 pm

    Just love it!

  4. #6 by Lace on September 12, 2011 - 5:01 pm

    Hahahaha! Oh so good! I have felt this way before. Its MY password. Why does the computer get to to tell me what is acceptable or not. I don’t care if its hackable…leave me be. 123456…always rejected….

    • #7 by brainforthought on September 12, 2011 - 5:12 pm

      Thanks, Lace! Glad you liked it. Hope your concussion clears up soon.

      • #8 by Lace on September 12, 2011 - 5:31 pm

        Thank you Warren! I am hoping it does as well since it’s a complete pain in the @$$.

  5. #9 by Jason on September 13, 2011 - 12:00 pm

    Hilarious and so true. I have to deal with this and constantly changing my passwords for a hundred different applications constantly. Congrats on getting published! That’s awesome. I want to be like you.

  6. #11 by pharphelonus on September 13, 2011 - 10:59 pm

    Very funny stuff. Humnor takes time. This is hilarious.

  7. #13 by sarahfish(think)tank on September 15, 2011 - 10:28 am

    This was hilarious — and how I feel most of the time. I’m going to have to share.

    • #14 by brainforthought on September 15, 2011 - 4:39 pm

      Thanks Sarah! This came to me after a couple of ridiculous bouts of changing my password.

  8. #15 by Maxim on September 15, 2011 - 11:51 pm

    Great stuff. You should try making a password on a Japanese website. It’s 50 times worse.

  9. #16 by Judith on September 18, 2011 - 2:39 pm

    Just found you through Val at Absurd Old Bird. Just had to change my password at the bank and I feel that you must have been looking over my shoulder as I did so. Thanks for the laugh.

  10. #17 by Lafemmeroar on September 21, 2011 - 8:05 pm

    This is hilarious.

  11. #18 by hollyjb on October 12, 2011 - 1:31 pm

    Laughed the entire time. Thank you. ^_^ Following now, don’t want to miss any more.

  12. #19 by Tom Baker on October 16, 2011 - 1:44 pm

    Very funny but the last one was crazy funny!

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