- When you die, your life will flash before your eyes, but only the moments when you pushed when the door at your local grocery store clearly said “Pull” and that time you accidentally said something racist.
- Due to the coriolis effect, when in the Southern Hemisphere, the Miller Lite Vortex bottle is still a stupid idea.
- Listening to the EMT’s will not give you the confidence to complete that homemade hang glider.
- The ceiling tiles above the locker room at any Curves gym can support the weight of one average-sized, masturbating, adult man. Two is foolish.
- All of the fat lost by contestants on NBC’s The Biggest Loser, is the sole ingredient of Dannon yogurt.
- When a group of girls in a bar yells “We’re crazy!”, they’re not crazy. The girl sitting slouched in the corner with bird droppings in her hair, licking the table as she cries, is crazy. Take her home. Fall in love. Get married. Have three children. Build a life together. Just no sudden movements.