Archive for August, 2011

What Happens When I’m Bored.

So, I was sitting at home on a day off, and found myself a little bored. I turned on my PlayStation 3 and opened Playstation Home when I actually intended to open Playstation Store. For those of you who don’t know, PS Home is a social networking platform where you select an avatar and a username and you can interact with other people’s avatars by chatting, playing games, etc.

One feature of PS Home is that you determine every feature of your avatar: sex, clothing, hair color, and so on. I decided to make my avatar a hot, blonde lady who is dressed to go for a jog. Once you create your character, you go to a common area that is between a bunch of buildings and in the middle of this area, is a fountain with lounge chairs and benches.

Upon entering the common area, I noticed that the ratio of male to female avatars was about ten to one, with all of them dressed like they’re on their way to a Godsmack concert. Within one minute of entering, I found myself circled by about eight of these characters while I’m trying to launch a zombie survival trivia quiz. During the quiz, a little chat window kept popping up with things like “U look HOT!!!!”, and “Dmn, I want to touch UR bobs”. Bobs not boobs. Nobody disrespects me, much less my bobs.

So I exit the quiz and decide to chat with one of the nice young men named Brazxxx1254. I would like to think that he is a devout Catholic and the 1254 is his tribute to the year that Pope Alexander IV succeeded Pope Innocent the IV, but I ‘m sure it’s just another sexual hand position which I am not privy to. Here’s a transcript of our exchange:

Brazxxx1254: Look at U grl!

Me: Thanks. He he he.

Brazxxx1254: How old R U?

Me: 23. U?

Brazxxx1254: 19

Me: Where U from?

Brazxxx1254: Texas

Me: Me 2! Where?

Brazxxx1254: Austin

Me: Me 2!

Brazxxx1254: You should come to my house.

Me: I don’t know.

Brazxxx1254: I’ll treat you good.

Me: He he he. I think you should visit me.

Brazxxx1254: I can do that.

Me: You’ll have to come between 6 and 8.

Brazxxx1254: Why? Boyfriend?

Me: No. Those are visiting hours.

Brazxxx1254: WTF?

Me: Hospital visiting hours.

There’s a couple of minutes of silence

Me: Hello?

Brazxxx1254: What’s wrong with you?

Me: Nothing.

Brazxxx1254: Y are you in the hospital?

Brazxxx1254: Work there?

Me: No. I meant there’s nothing wrong with me as a person.

Me: But I have a shattered pelvis.

Me: That’s probably what you meant.

Brazxxx1254: OMG! Are you ok?

Me: Keeping my chin up.

Brazxxx1254: How did it happen?

Me: Drunk driving accident.

Brazxxx1254: That sucks. I hpe that guy burns in h@ll.

Me: Who?

Brazxxx1254: The drunk driver.

Me: I was the drunk driver.

Me: Don’t H8.

A couple of minutes of silence

Me: You sound cute.

Brazxxx1254: I gotta go.

Me: Why? The drunk driving thing?

Brazxxx1254: Yes

Me: That’s just great. I’m trying to rebuild my life.

Me: It seemed like we had something between us.

Brazxxx1254: Sorry, but you should go to jail.

Me: I am in jail. On the inside.

Me: But no, I probably will go to jail.

Brazxxx1254: Later.

Me: Listen. I logged on to escape the pain.

Brazxxx1254: Sorry. Leave me alone.

Me: Great. Thanks for cutting my heart in two.

Brazxxx1254: Peace.

Me: In two! Just like I cut that Dodge Caravan with my Ford Taurus.

Silence

Me: I still can’t believe my old piece of sh@t got up to 120!!!

Brazxxx1254: Please stop.

Me: Ok. I’ll stop. But if you want to visit me, just ask the front desk for the drunk driver.

Me: They’ll know who UR talking about.

Brazxxx1254 has logged off.

Powdogg54: You rockn that body!

Me: He he he.

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Things You May Not Know…

  • When you die, your life will flash before your eyes, but only  the moments when you pushed when the door at your local grocery store clearly said “Pull” and that time you accidentally said something racist.
  • Due to the coriolis effect, when in the Southern Hemisphere, the Miller Lite Vortex bottle is still a stupid idea.
  • Listening to the EMT’s will not give you the confidence to complete that homemade hang glider.
  • The ceiling tiles above the locker room at any Curves gym can support the weight of one average-sized, masturbating, adult man. Two is foolish.
  • All of the fat lost by contestants on NBC’s The Biggest Loser, is the sole ingredient of Dannon yogurt.
  • When a group of girls in a bar yells “We’re crazy!”, they’re not crazy. The girl sitting slouched in the corner with bird droppings in her hair, licking the table as she cries, is crazy. Take her home. Fall in love. Get married. Have three children. Build a life together. Just no sudden movements.

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What’s Going On?

Hey faithful readers,

 

You may have noticed a recent slow down in new entries being posted to the old blog. You didn’t? Okay. I’m gonna finish this thought just the same. My schedule has been a little different lately and the blog was the first to suffer. The second was the U.S. economy. I didn’t realize the power I wield.

 

In addition, I’ve been submitting material for publication and none of that material can appear on the blog until it’s 100% rejected and I learn to take “no” for an answer.

 

So while I wait for some responses from those big publishing fat cats while they dine on pheasant in the Hamptons, I decided to open up the old mailbag and read some questions and post the answers for everyone to read. Huzzah!!!!

 

So here we go:

 

Q: What does Brain For Thought stand for anyways? (Adam, Mt. Roscoe, WA)

A: “Brain For Thought” is a reference to J.R.R Tolkien, who described the phrase as “The most beautiful three words ever conceived”. However, he later changed his mind and gave this honor to “Cellar Door”, but this was heavily scrutinized after he went on the payroll of Jim Rosen’s Cellar Doors and Basement Repair.

 

Q: Do you ever think you’ll give up blogging? (Cecily, Shreveport, LA)

A: It’s hard to foresee. Maybe as part of a Mexican standoff where a Croatian man has a knife held to a baby, perhaps the world’s smartest baby, and he demands that I stop blogging or the unthinkable happens. In that scenario, I would proabably yell “Look out behind you!”, and then run away. Or if I got some finger disease. Then I would stop blogging.

 

Q: When will you accept your responsibilities? I deserve that much. (Tina, the mother of your child, Tyler, TX)

A: What happens at a mutual friend named Simon’s annual pool party/Wii bowling tournament in Blue Springs, Missouri stays at a mutual friend named Simon’s annual pool party/Wii bowling tournament outside Blue Springs, Missouri.

 

Have any questions you would like answered? Post them in the comments below.

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Ice Cream Guest Post

Hey Friends,

I did a guest post for my friend Ilana Plen at her Tumblr blog, which chronicles her journey of eating ice cream for thirty days straight. Check out my post here: http://projecticecream.tumblr.com/post/8129929735/day-37-another-guest-post

 

Warren

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