Ways You Can Improve Your Self Esteem

  • End an argument by screaming “Because I said so!” and disappearing with the aid of a Batman-style smoke pellet.
  • Fight recent weight gain by shaving vertical lines into your body hair to appear thinner.
  • Wrap some tiny chains made of weak metal around your wrists, then violently break free while you shriek at your boss “No, YOU’RE laid off!”
  • Measure the length and weight of your bowel movements.
  • Treat  your job at Arby’s as a form of speed dating.
  • Bury a small acorn in a large, abandoned field. Thirty years later, visit the field and marvel at the magnificent oak tree you had a hand in creating, then introduce it to your hot stripper wife, Cherry Tits.
  • Try to top the previous day’s bowel movement.
  • Buy a BMW. Get real jerky about it.
  • Rally your small town to finally get Baby Cody out of that well instead of just throwing down food and water while you recap this season of Mad Men via megaphone.
  • Work on your calf muscles to the point of obsession.
  • Climb to the top of Mt. Rainier and as you marvel at the power of your will and determination to conquer nature, finally whip up the courage to chop off that sixth finger with your camp axe.
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  1. #1 by floridaglamazon on July 15, 2011 - 6:35 pm

    Naaaah, leave baby Cody down there until his family decides to “cut you in”on their $share of the memoir/ Lifetime tv drama proceeds (“Baby Cody, a mother’s story- aka “My Fuckin’ Baby is Friggin in the Well, it’s Bowling Night and I Ain’t Got No Cigarettes. Fuckit, I’m Haulin’ My Happy Ass to 7-11!”).
    Great sense of humor, looove your blog!

    • #2 by brainforthought on July 16, 2011 - 7:18 am

      If we could get Jamie Presley and Dean Cain as the parents of Baby Cody, I smell Emmy.

      Thanks for stopping by. I checked out your blog as well. Very, very funny!

      Warren

  2. #3 by sekanblogger on July 16, 2011 - 8:23 am

    Or…you could take A CHALLENGE:
    http://kansasmediocrity.wordpress.com/a-challenge/

  3. #4 by Jason on July 16, 2011 - 11:47 am

    I took your advice. I burst into my boss’s (?) office, I got the chains, broke out and told my boss that she was actually the one that was laid off. I stood there for about a minute and neither of us said anything. I was breathing very heavily after breaking out of my tiny chains, it was the best workout I’d had in years. Finally, she told me that she had never told me that I was laid off and really didn’t know what I was talking about. I said “oh,” and went back to my desk.

    • #5 by brainforthought on July 17, 2011 - 6:08 pm

      But I bet your self-esteem sky rocketed!

      • #6 by Jason on July 20, 2011 - 8:50 am

        Well, it did. But then I started walking around the office and yelling “don’t look at me, I’m special,” at all of the other employees. Needless to say, I am actually laid off now.

  4. #7 by Emily on July 29, 2011 - 11:47 am

    So great! 😀 Lol, consider me subscribed.

  5. #8 by Ivo (@IvoEmpire) on October 28, 2011 - 2:02 pm

    I used to work on a psych ward and would do the Batman pellet thing whenever I left. It led to some confusion from time to time.

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