We probably shouldn’t exist. The odds were highly stacked against all the events that led to our universe forming, our galaxy coalescing, and our little, blue planet perching in the right spot for you and me to thrive. We are all miracles.
At the moment of the Big Bang, things were very touch and go as to whether or not our universe would survive. For example, if there had been too much matter present, then there would have been too much gravity and the whole thing would have imploded. If there hadn’t been enough, there wouldn’t be the proper amount of matter needed for the galaxies to cluster and form stars, nebulas, and habitable planets. You know what else is a miracle? That I can’t go to Kroger without some fat, a-hole taking up the entire cereal aisle with his cart full of junk food and wide behind, that is barely contained in his Tennesse Titans sweat pants. All I want is some freakin’ Fruit Loops and this pant-buster is giving me the stink eye as I try to get past his hairy, sweaty, mass of a gut and his early-onset diabetes. This is a society full of OTHER PEOPLE, you stupid, freaking miracle!
As mentioned, the galaxies formed from all this new matter clumping together, but just as the Big Bang needed very specific conditions to succeed, this clumping could have easily gone wrong as well. If there had been too much clumping, then the resulting, excessive gravity would have caused the formation of massive black holes, which life finds intolerable. You know what else is intolerable? If I hold a door for some young lady dressed all in pink and her tiny Chihuahua dog (isn’t this fad over?), and she can’t take the time to remove her earbuds and say “Thank you” like a human being. Hey young lady, I realize that it’s difficult to tear yourself away from the newest collaboration between Pit Bull and M.C. Cum on Your Back, as they remix a good song from the ‘90s, like Del Amitri’s “Roll to Me”, into some mishmash of heavy basslines and talking about their enthusiasm for the chance to impregnate some young women, but I am showing you a basic courtesy. You won’t even acknowledge the electron exchange that converts Adenosine Triphosphate to Adenosine Diphosphate, thereby providing my muscles the energy needed to open the door to Old Navy and allowing your fake tanned legs to walk by as though this is my job? SERIOUSLY? You conceited improbability that reminds me just how beautiful the universe is!
Want to know what else is beautiful? The fact that we occupy a very special place in the cosmos. The planet Earth sits at a perfect distance from our sun, which in turn delivers the right amount of energy that allows us to maintain a delicate ecosystem. Our big yellow friend creates energy by fusing two hydrogen atoms together to form one helium atom, a process called fusion, and converts 0.007 percent of that mass to energy. If it uses 0.006 percent, then we have an abundance of hydrogen and not enough of the other elements. If the fusion process converts 0.008 percent of that mass to energy, then the universe is depleted of hydrogen. If we don’t have hydrogen, then we don’t have water. If we don’t have water, then we don’t have Landshark Beer and then these frat boy jackasses partying outside my window at 2AM won’t have anything to fuel their “dudeness” or help along the questionable decisions of their lady friends that result in having sex in a friend’s less-than-clean jacuzzi(again, water dependent), since they think an underwater orgasm is a viable form of birth control. Shut up or I’m calling the cops, you magnificent collection of subatomic energies that occupy a nearly impossible-to-duplicate range of conditions suitable for your existence!!!! I love you!!!