To The Class Of 2014

Image

 

Hello, Graduating Class of 2014!

Today, you will take your fresh face out into the world and be greeted by people with not so fresh faces. They will marvel at your fresh face. They will hate your fresh face. They may try to steal your fresh face while you sleep. The important thing is, your face is very fresh.

 

You will make great friends and powerful enemies. Like, really powerful. My enemies can lift a bus. But it’s their hatred of me and my less-fresh-by-the-day face that keeps them getting up in the morning. So, you see, I am an important cog in the machine we call “life machine.”

 

You will no longer have the safety of these hallowed walls. You’ll have to rely on other walls, some hallowed, some dry, some constructed out of lead in case Superman goes bad (my design!) But don’t stop looking for hallowed walls. The guy at Home Depot will act like there’s no such thing, but when you follow him home, you’ll see him unloading buckets of hallow and rubbing his hands together like he just got rich.

 

Eat onions.

 

Don’t pay your student loans. There’s nothing to repossess, so their stuck. It’s like…No, it’s not like skipping out on a haircut. I actually had a barber track me down and glue my hair back on. So, maybe pay your student loans so they don’t try to glue dumbness back on you.

 

You’re going to work for stupid people. Like really dumb. You’ll wonder how they even got hired. My first boss was a coat rack. It was always “Put your hat on me!” , “Tighten those screws at my base!”, and “Would you like to have sex, fresh face?” He only got that job because of his brother-in-law, Ottoman.

 

Live in a yurt.

 

In closing, never stop dreaming, especially if this reality exists solely in your dreams. You’ll kill us all!

 

Thank you and good luck Baskin Robbin Scoop Academy graduates!

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Mondays, Am I Right?

Monday Puppy!
From: Terence O’Reilly
To: Mondays, Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 08:16 AM

 

Here’s your Monday puppy! Enjoy!

 

Puppy 1


 

RE: Monday Puppy!

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 08:17 AM

 

Hey Terence,

Would you mind taking me off the puppy email list?

Thanks,

John


 

Monday Puppy, Part Doggy Deux!

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: Mondays, Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 09:23 AM

 

Hey gang, how about a second Monday puppy because today’s so RUFF?

Puppy 2


 

RE: Monday Puppy, Part Doggy Deux!

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 09:23 AM

 

Terence,

I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but I don’t want to receive any more puppy emails.

John


 

This Day is Waggin’ By

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: Mondays, Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 11:49 AM

 

Bow wow, today is moving slow! So guess what? You get three Monday puppies for the price of one!

Puppy 3


 

RE: This Day is Waggin’ By

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 11:49 AM

 

Terence,

I can see that you opened my previous email. Please stop sending me puppies. I find it highly annoying.


 

Under Where?

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: John Seiler

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 11:51 AM

 

Looks like this boxer is wearing briefs!

Puppy 4


RE: Under Where?

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 11:51 AM

 

Are you kidding me? You sent this to me only.


 

Help

From: John Seiler

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 11:54 AM

 

Hey everyone,

Can you take me off this group? Terence refuses to acknowledge my emails and I can’t find a phone number for him.


RE: Help

From: John Seiler

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 01:29 PM

 

Anybody?


Throw Him A Bone!

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 01:31 PM

 

John’s making this puppy sad.

Puppy 5


RE: Throw Him A Bone!

From: John Seiler

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 02:13 PM

 

Seriously? Nobody can take me off this group or even respond?


RE: Throw Him A Bone!

From: Cathy Armand

To: John Seiler

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 02:16 PM

 

John, it’s just puppy photos. Please, I beg you, just go with it. It’s just part of life at TD Ameritrade.

 

Cathy Armand


Harassing Emails

From: John Seiler

To: Human Resources

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 03:34 PM

 

Hello,

This is John Seiler in Small Business Finances. I have been receiving cute puppy emails from Terence O’Reilly, which I do not care to receive anymore. When I addressed this wih him, he keeps sending me more puppy emails. Can you speak to him?

Thank you,

John Seiler


RE: Harassing Emails

From: Phil Peppers

To: John Seiler

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 04:10 PM

 

Hi John,

Are you sure you have the right name? I don’t have a record of a Terence O’Reilly working here. Can you forward me one of the emails?

Phil Peppers


 

I Gots To Buries My Bones

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: John Seiler

Sent: Monday, April 21st, 2014 04:11 PM

 

Some puppies shouldn’t go digging!

Puppy 6


Phil Peppers

From: Corporate Offices

To: TD AMERITRADE ALL

Sent: Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014 07:29 AM

 

Please join us in mourning the loss of Human Resources Manager, Phil Peppers. If you have any information that you believe is relevant to the case, police are asking that you contact them immediately.

Heather Constance,

VP, North American Offices


RE: Phil Peppers

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014 08:29 AM

 

What did you do?


Let’s All Paws For Phil

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Tuesday, April 22nd 2014 09:14 AM

 

Phil’s with the angels now.

Puppy 7


Please Help

From: John Seiler

To: Human Resources

Sent: Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014 10:01 AM

 

Hello,

This is John Seiler. I was speaking to Phil Peppers before he passed about some emails from Terence O’Reilly. Do you have any information on him at all? I can’t even find his desk here.

Thanks,

John Seiler


RE: Please Help

From: Millie Sanders

To: John Seiler

Sent: Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014 10:59 AM

 

John,

I couldn’t find anything at first, but I found some old files. Terence O’Reilly  died in 1999. He was killed by a pack of wild dogs.

Millie Sanders


Window Repairs

From: Heather Constance

To: TD AMERITRADE ALL

Sent: Wednesday April 23rd, 2014 03:29 PM

We’re reminding everyone in the Nashville office that window repair will be going on today in Millie Sanders’ former office, after she mysteriously fell to her death. Again, the police are looking for any assistance.

I wonder if this guy will crack the case?

 

Puppy 8


Bad Puppy

From: Terence O’Reilly

To: John Seiler

Sent: Wednesday April 23rd, 2014 03:42 PM

 

Do you see now?


RE: Bad Puppy

From: John Seiler

To: Terence O’Reilly

Sent: Wednesday April 23rd, 2014 03:43 PM

 

Yes. Yes, I see.


Monday Got You Licked?

From: John Seiler

To: Mondays Am I Right? Group

Sent: Monday, April 28th, 2014 08:16 AM

 

Uh-oh, this golfing doggy’s in the RUFF! Happy Monday!

Puppy 10


 

 

 

 

 

 

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Don’t Call It A Comeback…Although That Would Be Accurate In Every Way

Hey guys,

If you’re still signed up to follow this blog, thank you for sticking with me and forgetting to unsubscribe.

 

New content is on the way. Very different content. Organized content. But ultimately, pretty stupid content. 

 

However, if there’s anything you forgot to read two years ago, get it in now, since I’m going to wipe all the old stuff.

 

Warren

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Greatest Hits, Part Two

Hello everybody. Next up in Brain For Thought’s countdown is one of my favorite, yet least popular, posts. So F you and read it.

I’m sorry. I’m just cranky from working the week after Christmas instead of sitting in my sweat pants and having a one person Reese’s Pieces eating competition. The piece today is “You Should Be Patient”, which I wrote early on in the blog. Just reading it takes me back to those ambitious days of trying to crank out a post a day, and not exactly understanding what constitutes a gerund. Ah, memories.

So grab a friend and enjoy, “You Should Be Patient”

You Should Be Patient

By Warren Arnold

 

Being patient is hard, but good things happen when you are. Some would call having patience a virtue, but I don’t quite understand why, so I’m patiently awaiting a better explanation.

I do believe it pays off to be patient. Patient people wait in line for the movies, while impatient people cut in with their friends and make you wait longer. But the joke’s on them since it’s a Katherine Heigl movie.

You can take a turkey out of the oven when the little red popper pops, or you can leave it for two more hours to get it crispy and dry, the way I like it. And while this resulted in a nasty family-wide fight which some say ruined Thanksgiving, I like to think it saved us money on Christmas.

You could clean up behind your dog in the park, or you can be patient and wait for it to turn hard and white and attach googily eyes, so that you have another tiny citizen in your scale model of Omaha.

If you’re late for work and lose your car keys, just calm down and be patient, and soon, you won’t have a job to go to.

If you hook a fish in a lake, you could reel it in and eat fish, but if you’re patient and leave it on the line, a bigger fish will eat it, and a bigger fish will eat that fish, and so on until you catch one of those precious whales your dad chose to go save instead of watching you grow up.

You could meet a nice girl at 11PM and go back to her place and have sex, or you can be patient and wait until midnight when she turns eighteen and you don’t violate your parole.

If you’re patient and don’t answer collection calls for your credit card debt, then eventually, they stop calling and come to your house. Then you’ll have a chance to try out your bear traps.

You might buy a monkey and get tired of it’s monkey attitude, but if you’re patient, it will grow up to be a gorilla.

However, it is possible to be too patient.

Like letting someone waste your time by patiently listening to their boring stories without rolling your eyes and yelling “Whatever!”.  Even if their boring stories are called baptisms.

You can wait on a bench in the mall while your girlfriend shops, but if you wait too long, then you realize that you don’t have a girlfriend…at least not the one you want.

You can wait for tensions in the middle east to calm down and gas prices to drop, but if you wait too long, then gas is $14 a gallon, because those prices aren’t going down, dummy.

So being patient does pay off, for if you hadn’t patiently taken the time to read through this, then you would have went outside and been mauled by the tiger that escaped from the zoo and is roaming the streets of your town. It should be in the news tomorrow.

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Greatest Hits

Hey gang,

I thought I would take this time between Christmas and New Year’s to look back at where the blog has been over the course of 2011 and share a couple of the more popular posts. I started brainforthought.com in March and so many people said things like, “Who the hell do you think you are?” and “That old blog won’t amount to nothing! Now you get back to mining that coal, young lady!” But the blog has been very fun and I’ve picked up some blog pals along the way.

In addition, I was very proud to have a piece was picked up by Splitsider. So kick back in your robes and slippers and enjoy Please Reset Your Password.

______________________________________________________________

 (Originally Appeared on http://www.splitsider.com, September, 2011)

Your Password Has Expired. Please Reset Your Password In Accordance With Company Policy.

User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Password Must Contain One Of The Following: One(1) Capitol Letter,  One Number(1-9),  One Symbol (@, #, %, ETC.)

Please Try Again

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Password Must Not Match Last Ten (10) Passwords

Please Try Again

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR>  New Company Policy: Password Must Not Match Last Twenty (20) Passwords

Please Try Again

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Birthdays Are Not Allowed. Identity Theft Concern.

Please Try Again

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Neither Are Anniversaries.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Neither Is The Date Of Losing Your Virginity.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Kids’ Names.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Spouse’s Names.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Kids’ Names Backwards.

I’m A Computer. I Can Figure It Out.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Pet Names.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Not Even Fish. Especially Betas.

It’s A Worthless Animal.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Fourth Grade Teacher Names.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No College Girlfriend’s Names.

Are You Still Hung Up On Veronica ?

She Died In A Car Wreck, You Know ?

You Didn’t ?

Sorry.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Nothing Inspirational.

This Is Work.

You Should Feel Awful All Day.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR>   No Tributes To Veronica.

It’s Morbid And Weird.

Despite Its Ups And Downs, You Have A Good Marriage. Celebrate That.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR>  Wow.  That Was A Harsh One.

I Didn’t Realize Things Had Gotten That Bad With Your Marriage.

But Even If That’s True About Your Wife, That Password Didn’t Contain A Number.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Profanity.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Again, No Profanity.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Can Be Interpreted As Profane.

From Webster’s Dictionary: (Noun) The Wrinkles Of A Scrotum,  Or (Noun) A Large Antelope

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Palindromes.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No French Kings.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Asian Land Wars.

_________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> No Ben Affleck Movies.

__________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> Again, No Ben Affleck Movies.

You Actually Saw Paycheck ?

__________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> That’s a Ben Affleck Movie!

It Is Too!

He’s One Of The Basketball Players When Kristy Swanson Kills The Vampire At The Game.

It’s An Uncredited Role, But That’s Him.

It Is Not Unfair.

I Don’t Care What You Think.   Dem’s Da Rules.

___________________________________________________________________

User ID:  PRSMITH

PASSWORD:  **********

<ERROR> That Was Just Straight Up Racist.

What ?

Wait,   I Thought You Were Venezuelan.

Really ?

Hmmmm…..

Then I Guess You Can Use That Word. My Apologies.

Password Accepted.

You Can Now Access The Payless Shoe Store Computer System.

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6 Comments

Merry Christmas, Movie House!

Hey everyone!

I have a bunch of new followers, so I just wanted to take the time to say hello and I hope you’re all having a great holiday season. If this is your first time here, make sure you check out “Please Reset Your Password” and “What Happens When I’m Bored”.

Oh, the caption for this post? I watched It’s a Wonderful Life last night and I won’t stop driving my girlfriend nuts by yelling “Merry Christmas, movie house!” every three minutes. But anyways, I’ve been delinquent in posting due to a massive writing project that finally wrapped, so I’ll get back to posting the high culture comedy you have all come to expect.(You should’ve rolled your eyes at this. If you didn’t, you probably have Krankauser’s Syndrome which prevents your eyes from reacting to poorly crafted jokes)

So let’s talk about what’s in store for 2012.

I will probably do more posts where I write from a first person account instead of always doing lists or pre-planned material. Won’t that be fun? So you’ll get random thoughts like “Hey, if George Bailey didn’t save his brother and his brother and his brother didn’t save that battalion of men in WWII, then should George have been stuck in some sort of Nazi hell?”

You guys are so lucky.

Also, in the works will be more videos, but freshly made and hopefully, a new web-series to boot.

Again, you’re so lucky.

Seriously, Frank Capra missed the boat. I want a Bedford Falls Nazi hell-scape!

So thanks to all of you who follow and comment and have a great rest of the year!

Warren

PS If you truly can’t get enough of me, though, I’m always doing something stupid on Twitter(@warreng76)

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2 Comments

Reasons People Don’t Like You

 
 

1)    You started a countdown clock for Chipwrecked.

 

2)    You were so excited when your menstrual cycle synced up with the other girls at work that you handed out “Flow Buddies” sweatshirts.

 

3)    You chose Banana Pudding Day at the cafeteria to finally squeeze that softball-sized cyst on your back.

 

4)    You built a scale model of Carlsbad Caverns, by using boogers that you wiped on the bottom of your desk drawer.

 

5)    You give scalp massages at the urinal.

 

6)    You wear a shirt that has an arrow pointing to your crotch and the phrase “Too Big to Fail”

 

7)    Even though you only needed 99 of 101 dalmatians to complete your wardrobe, you use the last two for an extra pair of Crocs.

 

8)    You steer every conversation to the time you met Jon Lovitz.

 

9)    Every time you fail to earn a piece of Trivial Pursuit pie, you claim the game is biased towards “non-whites.”

 

10) You hold up the line at Wal-Mart by writing a check, five minutes after you maced everyone for an X-Box 360.

 

11) You discover a magic mailbox at your lake house that sends letters back and forth through time, but instead of cultivating the love of a lifetime, you keep sticking your dick in there asking for a temporal hand job.

 

12) You co-wrote the song “Moves Like Jagger”

 

13) You own a dragon T-shirt.

 

14) The thing you remember most about 9/11 is that you scored three touchdowns in flag football.

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